Since Campaign haven't asked me to do their big cheeses 'my desk' feature, I thought I'd do my own.

My desk came in a job lot from some anonymous office supplier when we bought a whole load of stuff for the office. It's white and it comes in standard issue desk size. It's the same as all our other desks.

It's overlooked by a pair of artificial crows (1). I don't know why. Behind the crows, you can just about see the 'view', which is of the arse end of the Truman Brewery. Claire (2) is Tony D's assistant and she is wearing a hat in the style of Davey Jones out of the Monkees. Not sure who this is (3), or who this (4) is because I've cut their heads off. Duncan Bone (5) is one of our creatives. He has nicked Tony Davidson's desk because Tony's not here today and Duncan is sitting there having a meeting about something with the headless couple. Though he himself is absent, Tony's big computer (6) is here. This is my extensive filing system (7). On top of it is a book: Graeme Douglas just lent me the concluding part of The Sword by the Luna Brothers. God-slaughtering ultraviolence in graphic novel form.

Here are some pencils and a big paintbrush, none of which is ever used, stuffed into the open skull of some sort of possibly Japanese doll-type thing (8). Christmas decoration: a festive Starbucks cup. (9) (Empty. Possibly some days old.) Another empty coffee mug (10). This is a rather nice thing that was sent to me today by We Are What We Do. It's a Tweet Towel (11) with a tweet about our Nike Grid campaign embroidered on it. These are a radio-controlled Sumo Battles Game (12) and a Revell Supermarine Spitfire mk22/24 kit (13). They were mysteriously left in reception for me today with no accompanying note. Or the note got lost. Ah well. That's the kids' Christmas sorted.

Obligatory Moleskin notebook (14) with token nod to individuality by virtue of its being red. Top secret and hugely exciting new business pitch brief (15), which I have been careful to check is illegible in this picture. Standard W+K issue Nokia E72. (16) I don't use that as much as my N8, which also normally sits on my desk but I was using that to take the picture. Two laptops (17). This is because at any given time, one has usually just had a total system failure. When that happens, I swear furiously and whip out the other one. This is totally my fault, not that of the valiant warriors of our IT department. I exert a force-field that causes all technology in my vicinity to fail.

See that space in front of 17? That's my own personal The Ivy – the special little place reserved every day just for me to eat my lunch. That's why there are soup stains on my laptop. This (18) is not my stuff. It is David Murray's stuff and David Murray's Bovril and it is encroaching on MY workspace! Damn you, Murray! An oddly shaped speaker (19). Probably not working properly. Like me.

Yes, this is the secret lair from which I formulate my evil plans for world domination. Mwahahahaha!